I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
