oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
