I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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