I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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