Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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