i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time