my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.