Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.