I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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