Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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