She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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