My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
