Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
