Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
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I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
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I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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