oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
