god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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