Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
