You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
