i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
