dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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