it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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