the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Even my vagina gasped.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
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I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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