I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
