For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
