nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
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I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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