My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I know her cup size but not her name....
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
