Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
