so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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