if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
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i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again