Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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