I am puke
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
