I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
