JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
