Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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