By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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