she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
