Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
