And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
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I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
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I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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