Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
