I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
