Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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