i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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