Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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