can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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