No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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