So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I came home braless and wearing a tail....