Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
