I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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