Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
