I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
