so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
