Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>