I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.