Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it