He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.