When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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