somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
