Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
