It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
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You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
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I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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