How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
